About Me

Today I woke up feeling depressed, not "sad" not "kind of off" fully, deeply, scary depressed. I don't get that way often and usually I can "get out" on my own but as I'm crying in my closet wondering if I could call or talk to anyone, I called my angel of a friend. Someone who has been open to me about their dark moments and their own experience with depression. They had some very wise and needed words for me, they helped me feel seen at my most vulnerable times. When I got off the phone, I felt better and worse. Better because I'm so glad I had someone to help me, worse because I realized I don't feel enough of myself to reach out to anyone else without feeling like I would be a burden to them or too much to deal with. 

This year has been one of the hardest I've experienced in probably almost a decade. We've had some intense and very real trials in our family, our marriage, and in my own life. I wish I could say I've handled it with grace and strength, but then I'd be lying. In everything I've gone through, I'm realizing how much I've lost of myself. It's made me pretty dang mean to myself and literally "my own worst enemy" 

"I can't believe I said that!" "Gosh I'm so stupid" "I HATE my body so much" "My hair looks terrible" "You are failing as a mother, wife, daughter, friend" 

Guess what? Turns out that really hurts your soul after a long while of doing this to yourself over and over again. Then today, as I'm talking to my friend, 2 things they said really hit me. 

"Life and sadness can come on in waves, sometimes we get hit hard by a really big wave and we fight to swim and swim and get exhausted when all we need to do is work on just keeping our head above the water. Sometimes we get to shore easy and other times we have to fight to just stop from drowning, but you have to keep trying and keep fighting"

"You have to find YOUR happy, you can't let others tell you what that looks like for you or your life. They may not understand it or think it's not "right" but you and God get to decide what's right for you in this time in your life. Sometimes you need to just find a way to find your happy"

I sat with both of these for a long time and here's what I've come to. I love happiness, I love to see hear it in my kids giggles and full belly laughs, I love to see it in my friend's smiles when I think of them or give them gifts, I love to see my husband happy in life and living it to the fullest. I love to see happiness for others SO much that I will take away from my own cup to help others in their life and achievements. Most would say that's a good thing and in a way, at times, it is! But I've come to find myself trying so hard to make everyone else happy, that I compromise my own in the process. I don't want people to hate me, judge me, make fun of me, so I'll be and do whatever is needed to make sure I'm "perfect" 

I think this is the reason for a lot of my depression getting to the worst it's ever been. Crazy right? In trying to make everyone else happy.. I've lost my own happy. 

So what am I getting at here? While it scares me, and might feel "uncomfy" at times, I need to be a little bit more of myself and start healing my heart. What will that look like? It will be in honesty, in protection of myself and my family in whatever ways I see fit, and in taking a step back to really think about life and happiness. So, if you've gotten this far, I'd like to introduce myself today and who I am up to this point, if it's not something that resonates or "sits well" with you, you're welcome to take some time away from me to protect your feelings as well. It will make me a little bummed, but I'm understanding as that might be part of your own journey at this time.

Hi 🙋

I'm Savannah, I have four children on this Earth and two in Heaven, I love them all equally and intensely. I have an incredible husband who has stuck with me through the bad and good and all the changes in between. We have a house that we try very hard to make feel like home and a safe haven for our family. It is NOT always clean and it's sometimes chaotic, but it's ours and it makes me happy.

I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. That looks a certain way for many, but let me tell you what it means for me. I love my God and more importantly, he loves me. In all my flaws and hard days, in the days I feel like no one else loves me or I don't deserve his love, he still shows up for me and tells me I'm worth it. I love Christ, I believe Christ, God, and The Holy Ghost to be 3 beings as they speak to my heart in different but all important ways. I love what our church is supposed to be about, that is not to say it always shows through in our members. "We are an imperfect being in a perfect gospel" you don't go to a doctor's office in perfect health and we need to stop asking people to be perfect before coming through those church doors. 

I am a fierce believer in loving everyone, I would consider my values to be more in line with those that lean right, but I never like to judge someone without getting to truly know them. I don't like gossip and I hate people talking behind other's backs. Be real, be genuine, and BE KIND. 

I have 2 tattoos, my shoulder tattoo is the shape of a moon with mine, my husband, and my children's birth flowers along with 2 stars for my children in Heaven, and a humming bird as it's my favorite bird and reminds me of resilience and beauty even in small things. My second I got this past weekend at a book club. I know "so stupid" "so reckless" right? Nope. I got a small bow on my wrist. The tattoos were all western themed as our book was about a cowboy romance and that's all anyone will see. When I look at it, I see a small reminder of a growing group of incredible woman who have made me see that church goers or not, there is beautiful people with beautiful souls in this world. These woman have made me so happy and so welcomed without a second thought. They don't care what I'm wearing (in fact most compliment the heck out of you the second you walk through the door) They don't make me second guess if I said something stupid or "out of place" they literally have a "come as you are" attitude and that's pretty dang great! If you want more info about my tattoos, I will give it to you, but here's where I'm at:

- No, I don't believe I belong in Hell for having tattoos

- No, I have no idea how many I will end up with, but don't ever want to personally be covered with them. (but NO I will not judge people who are)

- I will not look at a person and count tattoos, piercings, hair color, as "who you are" or let them dictate if I find you to be a good person or not.

- Just as much, I will not accept being judged for having them.

Can we please stop doing this? If someone wants to know about your God, will you tell them he only loves a "certain look" I once had a bishop tell me someone came to him concerned when they smelled cigarette smoke on an individual at church. He said he looked at this person and said "Isn't that amazing?! They felt comfortable and loved enough to be here today with us to worship God?" I loved him so much for that and I will always be the same way. 

My favorite super hero is Captain America, we are starting the whole Marvel Universe with our kids and I was SO excited to watch Captain America with them. When they asked why he is my favorite I said because I love what he stands for. When asked if he wants to help kill Nazis he says "I don't want to kill anyone, I just hate bullies, no matter where they're from" He loves his country and stands for what's right and I'd like to think I'm the same. I love people, aren't we an amazing kind? The fact that we can do and be so many different things, have different talents or experiences here on Earth?!

I love things that aren't "accepted" at times and I'm embracing that much more these days. I love heavy metal, emo, punk bands. My favorites consist of Hollywood Undead, Good Charlotte, I Prevail, and Breaking Benjamin. I love going to concerts with people with tattoos, dark make up, long hair, etc because guess what, most the time, we are all still screaming our heart out to Backstreet Boys for the Pre-show music. We are creating an INSANE mosh pit one second then helping out someone beside you the next. I feel music deeply, I will at times put on headphones, close my eyes, and let music become me. It has saved me in some incredibly horrible moments of my life and just because music "screams" doesn't mean there isn't feeling involved in that. That's not to say I'll judge you for liking Taylor Swift or Pop music because I like a LOT of different genres, but don't diss my taste and I won't diss yours. 

I love my books and yes, I read "smutt" but more than dirty books, I read about worlds that you can only imagine because they could never exist on Earth. I read about men fighting for their woman and loving them so deeply you can't fathom ever feeling anything better. I read about friendships that are unbreakable, animals and creatures that sound incredible, quotes that alter your brain chemistry, and quotes that make you cry one page then laugh out loud the next. I'm proud to be part of a community that just loves living life and feeling something together.

I love movies and will absolutely swoon over a good romance or cry over a great drama and ending. I love puzzles but I KNOW I'm picky! I like certain puzzles that will still be relaxing or fun but not make me want to pull my hair out at the end of it all. I love being creative and crafty but it might be in different ways than others. I love throwing or attending a good party and being a part of bringing people together and making memories. I love games, whether that's on Xbox playing Gears of War with family or a nostalgic game on N64 I also love board games that make you think or silly games that make you laugh.

I absolutely hate Summer I can't change that, I can't explain it but the heat literally changes my whole mood. I feel miserable in the heat, I hate bees and huge spiders, I don't like maintaining a yard and home in 90 degree weather and with that means I find myself a happier person in a tank top or shorts. I know, that's a big one for many people in our church. Where I would usually feel the need to "explain myself" or my "intensions" I just don't anymore. (Again, working on finding my happy and protecting my peace remember?) Maybe one day that will change, but I'm just trying to do my life the best way I see fit at this time and enjoying the time I get with my kids as that is my only thing I DO love about Summer is my time with them.

I love Christmas and Halloween, usually I would say Christmas is my favorite but lately Halloween has taken over. I feel less pressure to do and be everything for everyone during Halloween and can really just enjoy the Fall season as it is my favorite of all four! 

I consider myself a fierce friend, if you need something or someone to talk to, please call me or text me! I wish I had more of this back some times. Another thing I plan to do for myself is take my own time to let others come to me. I feel if I don't plan everything for everyone, they don't do anything or come to me. I think sometimes my kindness gets taken advantage of and it hurts, it hurts more than probably a lot of people realize and I don't like always feeling like the "secondhand friend" the one people only call if there's no one else or that only gets thought of once a year on your Birthday and that's only if you're lucky. 

My love language is gifts, I love giving gifts to people and I will take hours planning anything I give you. If you mention something you needed months ago or really liked, I remember those things. I don't believe in giving gifts that don't have feeling or thought out if it's not from the heart.

I love dogs and most animals honestly! If it's people or dogs... I may say hello to your dog first. I come off as friendly but it's VERY hard for me to start that way. I have ADHD and Anxiety and I will probably second guess everything I say in our conversation and worry I offended you or came off stupid. I want good, comfortable friendships more than anything but hate people being rude or insulting. I want nothing more than to find that friend where they love you no matter who you are or what you are bringing to the table that day. I want friends where you can be in each other's company just to watch a movie or go out shopping, no matter what you're doing together, it doesn't matter because you're together and just happy. You don't care about a clean house for me and I don't care about yours because your friendship is my home. I want people that are always "come as you are" because I will always be that for you.

Anyway, if you got this far, thank you for sticking with it. If anything here is not your "cup of coffee" that's okay but know I will do what I need to get back to finding myself and my happy. I want nothing but happiness for others but I also need to start having that for myself too. I realize some of this is "taboo" talk and that's okay. This is me, this is my life and my heart out there for everyone to read and that's not an easy thing for me to do. I hope you can take me as I am and know that we're all just doing this "life" stuff the best we can, so let's just give everyone some grace yeah?  

Most importantly, I'm proud of how far I've come in a life that's been pretty rough at times. I am working on me the best I know how and I just want people around me who will understand that. Thank you for those who don't give up on me and support me and my family all the time. We love you and feel blessed to know you!                      

                                                        With Love Always, - Savannah