For any of you trying to be sealed or wondering if it really maters or is really that important, it REALLY REALLY IS! It was the most beautiful experience we've had, filled with happiness and tears and love. You know how they say it's a place of peace? sometimes even a place where you have inspiration come to you? sometimes even have spiritual experiences attached to them that you'd never want to share because they were too special to you? I'm pretty sure I had ALL of this that day! I remember touching up my make up and getting in my dress after the sealing and sitting down, and looking in the mirror at a girl who couldn't stop smiling. "I can't believe he's mine!" "I can't believe he chose me" and "I can't believe how happy and in love I am!" (These thoughts still come to me a LOT) out of all this, do you know what I didn't realize? The future! I didn't have any kids, I didn't know what I'd experience.
A week after our sealing, I found out that I was pregnant with little Liam. I remember being so terrified that Colton would be mad or that I'd stress him out by telling him. Well, I should know this great man better than that. "Okay, that's great, we'll figure this out" .. "We'll figure this out" he says this to me a lot and I really think he always believes it! He has such amazing faith in our Lord, sometimes it makes me jealous ;) I wish I was as strong as he is but then again, I guess he's the reason I keep going and trying to be better and isn't that the point? Always trying to strengthen each other as you look towards God? Well turns out he was right, Liam has of course been a light in our lives. I feel like I was just too selfish when he got here. I was 21 at the time, still pretty newly wed, and still liked my sleep. (I still do, I just don't get as much lol) I told myself (and I hate this now) "Why did I have to get pregnant so young?" "We weren't even trying or expecting this to happen" but now, with my trials, with Gabriel, I feel like I understand so much better now.
When we lost Gabriel... I lost my world, I lost my hope, I lost my will to live some times.. don't think I'm over it.. I will NEVER be over my son, no mater how many years pass, how many other children come, I will never forget our guardian angel but like I said.. if you told me about my trials five years ago. I'd tell you you're wrong, I'd tell you it's the wrong person.. some times I still feel that way, I'm not strong enough, this happened to the wrong person, I would have LOVED him so dearly, I wouldn't leave him homeless, or abuse him, or do any of the terrible things you hear some mothers do. Why me? ugh.. isn't this our favorite question?! I think one of the most common questions I got asked is "how did you handle such a hard trial?" my best answer? I took it day by day and I didn't do it alone.
This is what I ment by not knowing how much of an actual blessing it was to have Liam when I did. I was SO naive when I was pregnant with Liam, I didn't realize how lucky I was to just get pregnant when people try for years, I didn't realize how great it was to hear his little coos and know they were ment for me. Now I know that doesn't seem like much to some, but once you loose a little one, I ACHED for those sounds, I ached for the pregnancy weight, I wanted the swollen feet, I wanted the painful contractions, I wanted the nausea, I just ached for some sign of still being pregnant but I wasn't, no baby, no crying for mommy, total silence in that hospital. Then came my light, I drove home to Liam. I drove home with my amazing husband holding my hand and crying with me, I came home to hugs from family and mostly my sweet Liam. God knows us you guys!! I'm serious! And maybe the answer wasn't just "I got by day by day" I think, I know, it was because of the ways God blessed me. He did (and still does daily) SO much for me during this time!
Remember the song "count your blessings?" ... do it... I'm serious.. I think the world wants to tell us it's harder than that. Satan wants to tell us that we don't have any, go get drunk and forget your problems that way, just die, it's easier and no one will miss you. DON'T let him win so easily, DON'T let this world influence you so quickly. Count.. your... blessings. Some how, through what I describe as one of my hardest trials in my life, God helped me do just that and all of the sudden it was easy to see the blessings. Some people would say "it's just nice that the man who took my little boy away at 2 A.M. to the funeral home we chose was dressed in a suit when he came to the hospital so late and so nice to me that it has still impacted me to pray for him some nights." Some people would say "it's just science and the weather that made the rain stop and a ray of light shine on me just for a moment.. one perfect moment... at Gabriel's funeral" Some people would say "It was just a dry winter and that's why it didn't snow until the day after my son's grave stone arrived so I wouldn't terrifyingly look for a frozen ground that held my son" and yeah, maybe it all was just coincidence that these things happened to us but not to me. Not if you don't see it that way, not if you know your father in Heaven and know his grace and know his love for you. Seriously you guys, don't EVER think your God doesn't love you, I had days where I had to pray to not have hatred for him because I knew this wasn't his "fault" it was his plan and there's a BIG difference!
So where am I trying to go with this? Just please hang in there, please fight, please know you are important to SO many people and even if you don't think you are, you're important to Christ and our Father in Heaven... really though... isn't that enough? Please don't tell me I'm a saint, don't feel like I think I know all, I'm just trying to get through this ever harsh world like every one else but I'm trying to do it with God and not shut him out. Remember, God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given! I KNOW I will see my son again and today, on the third anniversary of our sealing, more than ever! I KNOW I will have him for eternity and that alone to me, makes preparing yourself for the temple seem worth it to me. On top of that, I have Colton and Liam and any other children given to us forever... nothing in this world is better than forever.
Please, like I said, don't give up, don't feel alone, and don't stop praying, when you feel like you can't or shouldn't or don't want to pray, that is indeed when you need it the most! My heart goes out to all of you facing trials in your life... I'm so truly sorry for whatever you may be facing but always remember. YOU ARE NOT ALONE... you never are!
No comments:
Post a Comment