Gabriel Taylor Bird

Hey Everyone,

I know it's been a while and honestly I don't really have the time for blogging nor do I enjoy it too much these days lol but I thought I owe it to myself and to the memory of my child to write on here again. I'm not writing this for the nosy, I'm not writing this to prove I can, I'm writing this for me and that feels pretty good so read if you want, or don't if you don't want, but this is for me and maybe those who I don't even know have gone through this and need help.

This is hard for me, I surprised myself by wanting to write this today of all days because.. well .. today has been extremely hard and do you know what sucks about that? Someone could say "Why?" or "What happened today that made it so hard?" ... I wouldn't have an answer. Some days I make it through and some days I have to pray just to get out of my bed and stop crying. For those of you who know us well, by now, you know we have just lost our baby boy in January.. this is what I want to write about today.

Have you ever had one of those days where you look back and think "wow" I had no idea how much my life would change that day... I did. January 5th, 2015 I had a doctor appointment with my regular OB I was excited to see if our baby would show us anything to know what we were having, I had a plan, I had a gender party in my mind, I was picking names, I was so excited to see our baby again on an ultra sound. "hmm" not exactly what you want to hear with your doctor checking on your baby "What's going on?" I asked
"Well, It seems like your baby is low on fluids"
"What does that mean?" I asked
"Well, it could mean nothing but I want to get you into a specialist to make sure"

Needless to say I made an appointment for the very next day. I was worried, yeah but then I did what everyone else does (and shouldn't do) and went online for answers.. I didn't like what I found.. Most people said they lost their baby or they gave birth and lost it a few days after because the lungs didn't develop. One person said "be sure to ask if they see kidneys, kidneys means a lot"

I started to my appointment with my mom while my sister watched Liam. My husband called right before I left and said he really felt like he needed to go with me. I said okay and we picked him up on the way... I'm so glad he came. We waited in the waiting room for what felt like forever until my name was called and we walked back to an ultra sound room. The nurse was very nice and she talked us through everything she was seeing... then she wasn't so talkative anymore. "Do you see kidneys?" I asked knowing it was important.
 "I see where they should be but I'm just having a hard time finding any, I'm going to show these to the doctor and see if he wants to do more pictures or not"
Little did I know that ment "I'm going to confirm what I feel is bad news before telling you for sure"

She said they didn't need anymore pictures and that I could go downstairs to the specialist. We all went into the next doctor's room and met the doctor, she asked a few basic questions and then was out again. When she came back, she had papers in her hands and asked "Do you want these people here?"
I said "of course I do, they're family"
She said "I know, but what I have to tell you is very serious"
"That's okay" I said now a little nervous


"Your doctor said he saw a little fluid correct?"
"Yes?"
"... I hate to tell you but I see absolutely no fluid"
"Okay.. what does that mean?"
"Savannah... Your baby needs that fluid to produce lungs, without it, it won't have lungs and it will die immediately after birth"
"Oh okay well what do I do to get fluids in me? I can do whatever, shots, bed rest, whatever I need to"
".. Savannah, you can't just get fluids.. It's something the baby produces with it's kidneys.. your baby never grew kidneys and it's not going to be able to... Your baby has no chance of living even if you wait until forty weeks... it can't live outside of your body."

... I can NEVER explain to anyone the feelings that follow that kind of conversation...

My mind felt like it was swollen and ready to blow out of my head, my heart felt twisted and torn and like I was getting stabbed over and over again, my body started catching up with my heart and my head as I realized I'd never meet my son on this Earth, I would never see him grow up with Liam, I would never see him smile... I would never have this baby on Earth with me. I felt like I asked a thousand questions that day. I know my mom and Colton did too but I honestly don't remember most because they just got answers that I didn't want to hear.

"So what now?" I said through my tears
"You have two options, you get a D&C or you Deliver your baby"
"What does a D&C do?" I asked scared
"Well, you will go in like a surgery and be under, you won't be able to meet your baby though"
"Why not?"
"... The baby doesn't come out all together.. your baby will be in pieces"

I lost it... I lost everything right there

"The only good thing is that it can be done right away and is a fast recovery"

We literally didn't even talk about the delivery option because I knew I just wanted it out and to move on... it sounds terrible but it was like a nightmare I knew wouldn't end until I could move on and that's all I felt..

I left that hospital and looked at faces coming in. It was surreal to me to think that all these people see me and have no idea the news I was leaving with. No one knew my pain completely but Colton. My mom drove home incredibly brave and Colton and I sat in back holding each other and crying. I had so much going on in my mind.. I knew I had to let people know so they wouldn't ask me how my pregnancy is going. I didn't want to tell my story yet.. I felt like people didn't deserve to know my pain so I just sat looking at my phone and facebook asking me "whats on your mind" I looked at the keys thinking what is on my mind?! Are you kidding me?! I have NO idea how to write this! So I went for simple and that was enough for me.  "We lost our baby today.. I don't want to talk about it right now but prayers are always needed"

The support was amazing and still is today, I got messages from so many friends telling me they experienced this too, I had NO idea! So many people had lost babies, maybe not in the same way as far as delivering but some did and some were further along than me. All this support was so appreciated and I hope they all know that! But the one I will never forget is our bishopric. Our bishop was put in about a week before I found out I was pregnant and I KNOW he was put there for me, I know this sounds so silly or weird to some but I know he was! He came over that night with his counselors just to see how we were doing, little did I know he was a doctor in the same area (sad that I didn't know, I know) He asked me if the doctor told us anything about the delivery option. We said not really and he told us that he knows it was our decision but wanted to tell us about it if that was okay. I said okay and he let us know that you would get to see and meet the baby, You can hold it if you want but aren't forced to or judged if we can't handle it and that we could give the baby a blessing. He gave me SO MUCH to think about! I was scheduled for a D&C already for two days from then! My mind was spinning so that night Colton and I knelled for a prayer... I still remember the first counselor telling me this about prayer "I know it's hard to pray when you feel like you have nothing, but at the same time, that's when you are the most humble and the most open to listen to what you need to do" he was so right.

I said one of the most heartfelt prayers I had in a LONG time and almost instantly, we knew that for us, the right answer was to go through delivery. I was so scared and had so many questions. What if I don't want to hold my own baby? What if I don't like how he looks? I'm going to be too sad too handle this!

But it didn't mater, three days later, January 9th, I was doing this! I knew it was right and I knew it would be a hard day so I just went in depressed and hurt. I went in at 6 A.m. thinking it would be done with by about noon that day since that's how long they said it usually takes... I didn't have my baby till nine that night! lol I was so scared it would hurt and while I'm asking the doctor if I would be okay he said "yeah, you must be, it's already out" ... I sat for a minute puzzled, "what?!"  "What's out?!"

"The baby Savannah!" Said Colton
 
I couldn't believe how different it was of a delivery, I didn't have pain (but I also had a good old epidural!) and I didn't even push.

"It's a boy" the doctor said

I can't even explain it.. I had happiness and sadness all wrapped up into one. We knew though that we already had the perfect name. Gabriel Taylor Bird

Gabriel because it was after an angel and ment light of God and
Taylor because it was after my friend who is an angel and who was my light through my life

"Do you want to hold him?"

My mind didn't even hesitate to say yes! ... oh my gosh you guys. I know that to some, he might not be beautiful and that's why I don't have him posted all over facebook but to me... he was beautiful... he is my beautiful angel baby boy and I love him so dearly. It's CRAZY how much he looked like Liam and how much he was a baby! I know some people don't realize or know this but he had perfect little hands, fingernails, cute toes and feet, and a perfect nose and perfect ears.. he was totally and completely perfect to me! He was amazing and I didn't want to let him go!

We let our bishopric know and our family know. My mom and dad and Colt's mom came in and met Gabriel and soon after the bishopric came too and what followed was a little bit of Heaven I swear. Colton gave the most beautiful blessing I have ever heard, he was brave but caring and smart with everything he said, he knew what to say to make everyone cry in that room, that's for sure! But most importantly he made me feel his spirit there! I knew Gabriel was with me that day and I knew that I would see him again and get to raise him with my amazing husband. After that, they all left and my sister came to meet him for a little while. You guys... my sister is awesome! I feel like some times we have days where we just drive each other crazy (I mean we're sisters) but she helped me through this more than she knows and the look she had while looking at Gabriel... She was so sweet and loved him just as much as I did! While she was there, SHARE came in. They are a support group that consists of moms who have experienced the same thing and they were SO wonderful! They gave us blankets for him and for us, they took pictures for us to always have (which I now have in an album and still look at daily) they gave him a tiny cloth diaper and tiny hat and a little bear which we buried him with so he would have his little bear with him always.

Then came the worst part, I think it's the one part mom's debating on doing a delivery or not all worry about.. and I understand why... he was changing... and I didn't like it.. I knew I wanted to remember him in his perfect little state that he was in and I knew.. after only a few small hours with him.. I had to let him go.. I bawled for a good ten minutes while holding him and then I let the nurses know I was ready (as ready as I could be) They called Linquist who helped with the burial and they were so great! A man came in at 2 in the morning, in a suit, with a beautiful white blanket. we said our goodbyes and I gave him his last kiss and cried as I said goodbye to my little boy. Then.. just like that... he was gone..

The next day we left.. empty handed.. no baby.. It was so hard for me. I feel blessed knowing I was a mom to a son who was still at home and he literally was the only thing that made me smile that day.

On Monday, January 11th we had a small funeral for Gabriel we did a few scriptures, a beautiful poem from my sister in law, Colton and I read letters we had for Gabriel, and we sent off yellow balloons for Gabriel and for God. The whole time the most I remember was the peace I felt knowing I would now always have a place to remember him at and the other thing I remember is it was raining and very cloudy all until the end when our bishop was talking... I'm telling you it was a moment I will never forget.. I started feeling sad again and the second I did, I felt a warmth in my whole body and looked up to see just a small light coming through the clouds and for that split second.. I knew my baby was with me and always would be.

So where are we at now? I still have such dark days that I feel like I can't get through, I still wrestle with my own thoughts and wonder when to try again and when the pain will stop and why this happened to me but when all these thoughts come to me, some how, in some little way, my Father in Heaven blesses me and reminds me that I am on his mind and that he will see me through if I just keep trying. So I get up again.. I hold in crying.. and I pray that he will help me again.

I love you all so dearly, thank you for all the support and love you have given our family. Thank you for your prayers and know I think of you all the time! With love, - Savannah