Dear Gabriel

Hey Everyone,

So today has been a rough one.. you know the one, the day where you can't stop crying or you can't stop hurting? Any way, I don't know what it is about Easter but I always seem to miss Gabriel more, and now that I'm pregnant with Audrie and she is almost where I was when I lost Gabriel, I find myself thinking about him even more. So I guess this is less of a "hey world, here I am" post and more of a "sending my thoughts to Heaven and Gabriel" post so here goes that...

Dear Gabriel..

I thought of you today, I think of you every day. The moments we could of had with you, how old you would be, did I do the right thing in having you when I did. Most days I get by, I can fight... Today, I lost... I thought about a few things but with Easter I also thought about the Savior and this is what I decided.

No one in the WORLD understands that the pictures I take at the grave mean everything to me because they are the only ones I can take with you... I don't get Birthdays.. I don't get "firsts" I get a grave and a fake smile holding back tears... no one in the WORLD understands... but my Savior does.

No one in the WORLD knows why certain days I wear a little necklace with a little ring on it... no one knows that it is actually the only thing I kept that you wore.. You wore it on your arm because you were so small.. no one knows I wear it on days where I need you close to my heart, closer than usual... no one in the WORLD understands... but my Savior does.

No one in the WORLD knows that the little ring... your little bracelet made me cry twice in my life harder than most things.. once 2 weeks after burying you because I thought I lost the ring and I panicked... I cried... I screamed and when I found it... I cried again... and again when the beautiful gold ring turned silver because it ment that time was passing... and that wasn't "fair" ..time was passing with or without me... and again ... I cried... no one in the WORLD cried with me... but my Savior did.

No one in the WORLD knows that while I love the blessing of being able to get pregnant... I hate pregnancy now because of losing you... no one knows that I dread feeling Audrie move because then I never stop noticing if she is moving or not... no one knows I wake up grabbing my stomach every two hours in tears scared that I can't feel the baby, scared that I'll lose another one and die inside... no one in the WORLD cried with me those nights... but my Savior did

No one in the WORLD knows that some days when I seem my "happiest" I've just been at your grave that day.... laying on the grass crying and praying for relief... no one knows that I hate that I can't hold you or that I lay there feeling guilty that for a split moment, I let myself forget about you... I let myself move on.... no one knows that EVERY day, not some, EVERY SINGLE DAY I feel guilt... "I can't be tired, moms that lost their babies would LOVE to be tired, I can't be selfish" ... "I can't yell at my kids, I lost one who I long just to TALK to, I can't be selfish" ...No one in the WORLD knows whats in my mind... but my Savior does

Gabriel ... I love you, I miss you, I know Easter is hard for me, but then I think about the fact that on the days where I feel like no one is there, you still are, and more importantly my Savior and Father in Heaven are still there. They love me and better yet, they KNOW me, they have CRIED with me, and they never leave me comfortless. I guess it's just hard on those days to remember that I'm not alone but when I think about the fact that Christ was alone... that he suffered alone... and he did it for you and me and everyone around me... wow... what an amazing Savior we are blessed with. How amazing to think that someone loves us enough to do such a hard thing for us... I love my Savior... I love praying.. I love knowing I have someone to talk to when I feel like there is no one. So to everyone else, those thinking no one in the WORLD knows EXACTLY how you feel RIGHT this second... you may be right, I won't correct you there.. but don't forget... NEVER forget... your Savior does and he loves you, and he's there for you... go to him often and he will be there no matter what! I love you all, I hope everyone had a beautiful Easter and always remembers the beautiful Savior in our lives.

Moments

Hey Everyone,

            I feel like every time I come on here to start one of these posts my head and my heart and my hands are all fighting each other to get all the words in and to get them right. For a while I've had a thought in my mind and I keep thinking "I need to write, I need to write!" Then life happens and I forget but now while Theo sleeps and Liam plays, I want to talk about this thought, this subject... Moments.

            This month has been hard for a lot more than just one reason but I feel like a lot of it is just life. We have trials, than pure happiness you didn't know you could have, then sadness you never thought you could feel, then boredom strikes, the days where you have so much to do and NO energy to do it, and then there is this day, maybe even just this hour or minute where you look around and think "wow, God loves me SO much to bless me with all of this" these, all of these, have been my month and maybe it's because tomorrow June is over and maybe it's just because I had time to think but like I said, lots has happened and lots has been on my mind.

         Now before you continue, I need you to know that I don't mean to offend, I don't mean to call out people, but I like to be real when I write, I think that inspiration comes from reading how real and beautiful my brother's blog always is.. Let's start there because for me, that's my biggest part of my life, family.

       So people on my mind? Everyone! My mom because she works three days a week now and I'm pathetic but I miss her those days. I love my mom! She is really my best friend and the one I can always count on to make my day better even if all we do is go on a drive to do errands.

Then there's my awesome dad, he is always strong for our whole family. The one thing I remember about growing up with him is how hard he worked for us and how much he loves our family and the church. He has shown me what it means to have an unshaken testimony and a love for your spouse. I know you have trials, I know you have stress but you never let it show around your family when you need to be strong for us. You are silly and sweet and strong! I love you and I'm so blessed to have you in my life!

I've also had my siblings on my mind, my brother has grown so incredibly strong. He's had trials and he's had strengths but all in all he is amazing whether he knows it or not! He shows me what it means to push through and always have faith and I'm so proud of how far he has come in just the last few years. I love him so much! Then there's my sister who has three kids, pregnant with her fourth, in quite a bit of pain, and she doesn't sit around and complain about it or post about it on facebook, she's strong and she's a great mom!

Then comes someone who I haven't talked much about on my blog but there's my amazing cousin. She just went through having an angel baby like me, a beautiful little boy, who lived an hour and a half... today was his funeral.. I feel bad as I sit at home not strong enough to handle a funeral... to remember that sadness and comfort and anger all rolled into one. I hurt so much for her right now and I'm amazed at how strong she has been through this.

Then of course my rock, my love, my piece of perfection in my life, my husband. I am not only amazed but so proud of the man he has become. I always knew he was special when I first met him but he has shown me what it means to work hard, love your spouse unconditionally, and be a great husband and dad. I worry his life, his job, his dad, all of it will take a toll on him but it never does and when it does he never lets it weaken him or his faith. I worry I'm not good enough for this amazing and devastatingly handsome man, I don't deserve someone so incredible, but he's always there and always shows his love for me.

     Then there's my friends, I may not tell them, but I think about them A LOT. I miss Kara SO badly! We may not hang out everyday but she has been gone for almost 2 months and I feel that missing place in my life, I know when she is around my happiness is amplified by about 50! She is such a wonderful friend and though I miss her, I'm SO happy her and her husband are having such fun adventures together.

Then there's KaLin, I'm pretty sure she's probably sick of me asking about her love life all the time but I want her to have what I have, someone to take care of her, a best friend that is always around! I ask about her job, her family, honestly I feel pushy some times but I love her and want to know about her life because we went from hanging out everyday to about 2 times a month and it's hard but I know it's how it goes being an adult. I love my friends and I feel so blessed to know them!

        Anyway, I've got great people in my life and in case you couldn't tell, I love them and they are always on my mind. I always want to be there for people and I hate the days when you don't know how to help your family, your friends, your husband, your children, and you wonder if your failing your "calling in life" I want to be there for everyone and do everything for everyone. Well needless to say it gets over whelming, I look at their trials, I look at mine, I look at the world and all the death, the hate, the need to be popular, beautiful, the best. Some days life just makes my head want to explode, then comes the one thing I've been TRYING to get to, moments they aren't all good, but the good ones are my favorite!

           Yesterday I did dishes, I did some laundry, and other than that... I was pretty lazy so when my boys both napped at the same time, I did too... till about 5:30 when Colton woke us and I realized there was no dinner made, the house was still a mess with toys and I just had one of those moments... a bad one.. I felt like I am not doing my part, not being the wife the world says I should be, you know, the perfect one who looks beautiful, her house is beautiful, her kids look great, her dinner is ready, blah blah blah then comes a moment of greatness, it's called my husband! We decided on a last minute family dinner date and not just to Taco Bell and back, a nice, get out of the house, eat dinner at 8 PM, kind of night lol we went to Zuppas and as I looked at Theo cuddling me and Colton and Liam laughing and talking I had the type of moment I love most, pure bliss.

        This is the thing about moments, they make you stop and think and I realized in that moment, I was blessed. Trials will come and the world will tell you that you can't do it, you aren't strong enough to handle what's in front of you, but my Father in Heaven tells me I can and that he will help me through. I've missed my sweet Gabriel terribly this month with it being his "due date month" but the one thing I found helping me is the many quotes, talks, and scriptures I used at his passing to get me through. Something I hated hearing is "God only gives us what we can handle, you can get through this" I know when people said this, it was out of love but I HATED that. "Does that mean I can handle this again? What if my husband dies? What if I can't handle this? Did I fail God's trial?" Then I found a quote that said "God doesn't give us what we can handle, he helps us handle what we are given" Isn't that great?! I love this! There are times trials will have us feeling like the world is winning, there is too much evil to go on, there is too much hate to be better than it all, but God knows what he's doing, he knows what trials we have and when we are hurting, he will be there for us ALWAYS, all we need to do is notice when he is. Notice the good in this evil and falling world, notice the love that surrounds you and that it is stronger than the hate happening around us.

     Hard moments, hard trials, they will sadly always be here and that pretty much sucks! But PLEASE push through, PLEASE think of your good moments! A hug from your child, an "I love you" from your spouse or a family member, a text saying "just thinking about you" when you felt hopeless, a ray of light in a storm that you know God made for you. There is good in this world, we just need to search for it, pray for it, and live as long as we can in our good moments. Search for your good moments and enjoy them and maybe, just maybe they will be the moment that saves you and gets you through the bad ones.



     Mom, I love you, I'm proud of you working so hard and I'm so happy you're in my life! Dad you are a great man and such an important person in my life now and forever! Brent remember your loved, like seriously all the time you are loved!! I'm so proud of how far you have come to be a better you, keep going, keep pushing forward. Kira you are so strong, you have come this far, you have great kids, you always try your hardest and I know your little one will be such a blessing to our whole family. Mandy, I'm so so sorry.... I'm so sorry... NO one should go through the Hell of losing a child but you had to... and it hurts... PLEASE push on, get out of bed, pray even when you don't want to pray, keep your sweet boy's memory alive forever and work twoards eternity to hold him again. Colton I know that your life has been anything but easy, thank you for not giving up, thank you for being the best man you can be and more than anything, thank you for being mine. I love you so much and I'm so lucky to have such a gentleman in my life who I love so unconditionally. Thank you for loving me with my crazy, my OCD, my insecurities, my everything, you never give up on me or our kids and I love you eternally.

Kara thank you for your strength, your faith in everything, your happiness, and mostly your friendship! I'm so lucky to have such an amazing woman in my life as you! Have fun, be safe, and come home soon!! KaLin I love the heck out of you! I hope you realize how incredibly beautiful and fun you are! You are shy, yes, but wait for the man who is willing to bring out the real you, the happy, positive, fun, girl who would do anything for her family and friends, wait for the man who will take you to the temple and who makes you look forward to an eternity with him. Wait.. because you are SO worth it!!

       I love you all! I wish I could write to everyone who means the world to me but I can't... mostly cuz my fingers hurt and you'd all get bored with me! But please remember your loved! Please remember to search for your happy moments and to fight the world in your unhappy ones! Live in your moments!

Turkey Day Is About WAY More Than Turkey!

Alright Everyone,
I feel like I should let you know, this is going to be a bit of a long post but hey, I'm blessed to have so many people in my life to be grateful for and with Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I couldn't just let the opportunity pass to tell those people how much I love them so here goes!!

Well, I have to of course start with these beautiful people! They did after all bring me into this world! :) 

Mom: I swear I could talk about you for days! You are SO much more than just a mother to me, you are one of my absolute best friends! You love me on the days I'm grumpy, you are patient enough to sit through my rants and help me feel better, you are an amazing grandma to my kiddos, and you're always willing to help people around you. You always put people's needs before your own and you never do it looking for praise or to be put in a spotlight. You are so great and I seriously can't imagine my life with out you! You taught me how to be selfless, how to love unconditionally, and you helped me become who I am today! I love you so very much!

Dad: Yeesh, you're just as awesome as mom! You are such a fun person to be around, you know when we need a strong father to talk to and you know when to be silly to cheer us up. You are one of the biggest reasons I have a strong testimony of the church even when life was super hard. You reminded me that not only does God love me, but you love me and you were there for me. I love that we both have a love for Japan and that I was blessed enough to go there just you and me and have such a fun time together! I'm grateful for your strength for our family, I know you traveled a lot for your job, but I also know you did it because you are a man who never gives up on his family and his responsibilities and I always admired you for that. You taught me to never give up when life gets hard, you taught me life lessons and spiritual lessons, you showed me what a respectful man is and I'm so grateful for you in my life, I love you like crazy dad!

Alright, I got to talk about these amazing people! I was pretty blessed in the sibling department of my life!

Josh: I know we didn't grow up together or know each other all our lives but I feel like you've always been a big part of my life. I love your "can do" attitude about everything you do. You show me what it means to endure to the end and never give up on your goals. You are such a great dad to your kids and you have always been so fun to be around! Thank you for showing me what it means to have a loving family no mater when we met, we still have a great relationship and though we live further away from each other, I always know you're there and that you will be there for me and our family! You are such a great guy and I love you lots and lots!

Brent: I'm seriously SO lucky to have you in my life! I can't imagine having a brother different than what I got! You are perfect for me and our family! You just tie us all together and any time you are at work, there is a missing feeling in the home. You have such a great personality, you could be having the worst day and still push through with a smile on your face. I love that we can just be ourselves around each other, we could just watch t.v. all day together and know that that's just us and we don't have to entertain each other or be anything different than ourselves. I love how great of an uncle you are to Liam, he seriously loves being around you and just like me, he can feel how important and amazing you are just by your presence. You are always so sweet and show what it is to be a man but to also show a loving and caring side. You have a way about you where I know you are a protective brother but still love being sweet and silly. I'm SO grateful for you and your influence in my life. Thank you for never being judging and always being so great! I love you!

Kira: What can I say! You are my only sister and such a great one at that! I remember sometimes growing up we had an age gap that felt like it was hard to get around. Then suddenly, we got older and that age and the personalities doesn't mater anymore. all that mattered is that we were sisters and we were there for each other. I think some of my favorite times with you is just our random talks, we could talk about random memories or funny things our kids have done and that's my favorite. I love that I can come to you about questions with Liam and you don't make me feel like a dork lol I know that you have helped me so many times become a better mom and show me the things that really mater in life. You are a fun person to be around and are always silly with your kids and show how to be a fun but good and loving mother. I'm grateful for you and our always growing relationship! Thank you for being my sister and a great example to me growing up! I love you very much!

Mike: I know I don't have a picture with you, crazy huh? Guess I never randomly take selfies with you for some reason haha! I know you haven't been in my life since I was born but I'm grateful you're in it now! Thank you for being such a great husband to my sister and showing me what a respectful man looks like, I always looked up to you before I was married and was so glad that you treated my sister the way you did so when I met my husband, I would know how I wanted to be treated. You are such a great dad too and always make sure to be there for them and teach them how they should be. I'm grateful for your spirit and how strong you are in the church and that you work so hard! I'm grateful for the time you spend with our family and for your silly comments every now and then! Thanks for being a great brother in law, love you lots!

Well, with siblings comes awesome, cute blessings, that I get to call nieces and nephews!

Grant, Avery, Jossy: You guys are the best, Grant is always there to show us how to be strong and try your hardest. You love learning new things and showing everybody how it works, you are a great big brother and love your sisters so much which is so great to see! Avery (as shown by this picture) you have the BEST personality! You are so sweet and silly but know when to be loving and caring too! Jossy, you are so sassy and fun! I'm so grateful for your personality and showing that feisty can be a good thing! You are the perfect amount of sassy and loving. I love you guys so much, thank you for giving Liam buddies that he will have for the rest of his life!

Kael, Jett, Jake, Jaxyn, and Kameron: I wish so badly I could see you guys more often but every time I do, you guys bring me a joy in my heart and are so fun to play with. You are all getting so big and growing up so fast! I love how in every picture I see of you guys, you are all hugging each other or smiling from ear to ear, you guys have such happy, sweet spirits about you and I can't wait to see you cuties again! I love you guys lots!

All right you guys, I'm pretty sure I could write a whole blog post just on these two beautiful woman!

KaLin: Gosh I love you my dear! You have been my friend forever and seriously feel like a sister to me! I love that you are so silly and can still make me laugh! We could not see each other for a month and as soon as I see you, it's like nothing has changed, I can talk so easily with you and I love talking to you about anything! I'm so lucky you stuck by me, I know I've been crazy, we've had our fights, we've had our trials together and separate but you have never changed your personality towards me or your loyalty to me and that's why I know we will be friends for a long time to come. You helped me though more than I think you'll ever know! I love that I have Liam and I don't feel weird to call you up and ask if you want to hang out with both of us! You are so great with him and like we know, he loves you like crazy! Thank you for being such a great friend, thank you for the laughs, the long talks and the hugs, thank you for showing me what a true friendship is like! I love you so much and I'm so grateful you are in my life!

Kara: I love love love your personality! Have I ever told you how great you are? Case I haven't, you're seriously amazing. You were always the peace maker of our group, you didn't want us to fight, you didn't want us sad, and you never let us give up on each other. You bring us together, you make us laugh when we feel like life is being too hard on us, you make us realize how lucky we are to just be alive and how loved we are. You were always the one talking sense into our crazy heads and still making us laugh and live to the fullest. You have always been a great example to me, you have shown me what it means to be a woman who respects herself and knows who she is. I was always amazed at how upbeat you were, I had so many times where I felt lost but you always helped me find my true self and you always stay so positive about life. Your strength in the gospel always amazed me, you never faltered, you always had a strong testimony and would remind me how lucky we are to just be alive and now, I just know how lucky I am to have you in my life. I couldn't live without you and I can't imagine how different my life would have been without you! Love you so much buddy, thanks for being my forever friend!

Okay, I don't even know how to start with this handsome guy right here but know, it's gonna be mushy!

Colton: Honey, I love you more than almost anything on this Earth (our boys are tied with ya! lol) I literally can't imagine my life without you. I remember when I was in high school or before meeting you, I would sometimes just lay in bed at night and wonder about the man I was going to marry. Is he going to be cute? ;) Is he going to have long talks with me? Is he going to love me for me? Now I lay in bed, smiling every night, wondering how did I get so lucky? Did he really pick me? I can't believe I get to be this happy for all of eternity! Oh and yes, You are cute like I had hoped for! ;) When I said "I do" four years ago I didn't know the trials we'd face, the amazing memories we'd make, the many times you'd comfort me and make my life completely better again.I love that I can be silly with you, I love that I can tell you the flat out truth and you just let me and accept it, I love that you make me smile even on my worst days, I love that you don't make me feel weird or crazy, You're always on my side and sticking up for me and our family. You give the BEST hugs and I never want you to let go, You still make my knees weak when you kiss me, You still know just what to say so my whole day is made, You are seriously amazing. I don't even know that I fully knew who I was before I met you, you helped me find myself, love myself, and better myself. Because of you, I want to be a better woman, a better wife, a better mom, a better everything but I know that the days I'm not my best, you'll still love me and that is a pretty amazing feeling. Colt, you have the most AMAZING personality! I would be SO proud if our sons turned out just like you because you are the most perfect amount of everything. You are sweet, you're incredibly handsome, you're loving, you are silly, you're an amazing daddy, an amazing husband, a respectful son, a protective and fun brother, a great man of the gospel, and my everything. You've held me up when I couldn't walk alone in trials, you've never forgotten to tell me how much you love me, you always tell me I look beautiful and actually make me believe it, you're work ethic is insane, you never give up just because things are hard, you honestly amaze me. I never want to imagine my life without you because, it wouldn't be my life. I am so blessed to have you as my husband and for eternity. I love you with all my being and I always always will! Thank you for picking me to be yours honey! I consider you one of my biggest blessings!

Oh man, this kid.. really this kid though..

Liam: Sweet boy, I know you won't understand this right now or read this but I can't imagine life without my buddy. I remember when I was pregnant with you, I'd be awake at 2 A.M. cuz you were kicking so much (I know, crazy that YOU were active right? lol) I would sit up in bed and just wonder about you. What would you look like, how would you be as a kid? Will you be a sweet kid? I never knew really how much you would change my life for the better. You, without fail, make me smile and laugh every day, you make my whole heart happy and know what it means to be whole. When we lost your sweet little brother, I was having such a hard time leaving that hospital without him. Then I pulled up to our house and my heart fluttered, I was so excited to see you, we came in to the biggest smile and tightest hugs and somehow, my heart started healing that day. You are so close to our Heavenly Father and I know it because when we were at the funeral for your brother the next day, you saw the same small light break through the clouds that I did and you pointed to it, smiled at me and I knew, you knew your brother was okay. You gave me a hug and kiss and said you loved me. You know when I need your hugs and even when our family needs your hugs, you're my feisty, crazy, silly, fun, sweet boy and I would be lost without you, thank you for choosing us to be your parents. I love you with all my heart sweet Liam!

I miss and cherish this kid every single day and can't wait to see him again someday!

Gabriel: My dear dear angel, I miss you so deeply. I remember for a long time I felt stupid or silly for putting up our pregnancy so soon and then having to tell everyone we lost you. Now I look back so grateful that I did, just because we didn't get to keep you on Earth doesn't mean you weren't special, I'm glad we celebrated your life while you had one, I'm glad I was able to hold you and be what you needed to receive a body to return to your Father in Heaven. I KNOW you watch over us daily and that you love us because I can feel your love on the hard days when I miss you and suddenly have a warm feeling all around me. I love you so much my little one and I can't wait to raise you in Heaven and have you for eternity!

This is a bit of a mix, I'm grateful for baby #3 and for pregnancy!

Baby boy: I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant, the first test I took was too soon so it showed a negative and I was so bummed. Then, a week later I felt a strong feeling to take another test, I took it and it said I was pregnant! I took another, and another just to make sure, I cried with your daddy for a timeless moment and then smiled and just knew I was so blessed to have you! I don't care if I ache, I don't care if I get heartburn now and then, I don't even care about the weight, that's all nothing compared to the miracle happening in my tummy right now! I can't wait to meet you sweetie and I'm so so happy to have another son in our family!

Alright, I definitely can't do this post without these guys! I seriously lucked out you guys!

Chad: I miss you, I know things have been rough, I think we have the same feisty personality and that sometimes has made us butt heads but I love you and I'm grateful for a father in law who has had respect for me and treated me kind and with love. I'm grateful for you being patient with Liam, you love to teach him and show him new things and I'm so grateful for that! I love you and I'm blessed to have an awesome father in law like you!

Lisa: You are seriously so great! You are so sweet and never cease to amaze me with your testimony of our gospel. You have gone through so much and you never "blame" God or let it get in the way of you going to church and doing what you should. You are SO patient with your kids and have shown me what it means to be Christ like with your family and those around you, you are so fun to be around, you always try to keep your family happy and always care about their needs before your own. Your sweet spirit amazes me everyday and I'm so lucky to have a mother in law who just welcomed me with open arms and never made me feel unloved or unwelcome, thank you for being you and always showing me love in your family! I love you so much!

Erika: Yeesh I love ya! You are so great! I love how much you care for your family, you always want to make sure other people are okay before you. You're so selfless and sweet and always look out for everyone. You are such a great aunt to Liam and are always willing to help him when he needs it, you know how to make him laugh and he can sense your loving personality just like I can. I love when we can just talk about life and tell fun stories. I love that you always give us hugs and make me feel so comfortable around  you guys and so loved! You have shown me what it's like to keep a great innocence in your life and just be grateful for what you have. You always help your family and I have always noticed it but you don't want anything in return, just to be a great person and help those who need it! Thank you for being such a great sister in law to me always! I love you lots!

Derrick: I know I haven't known you long but I love that it doesn't feel like that, I feel like you've just always been there and have always been nice to me. You are so amazing with Erika, you guys just fit and make sense together and I am so grateful that she found you! Thank you for always being so happy and keeping things light and positive in our family! You have a great personality and a contagious laugh, you have a great testimony of the church and don't mind sharing it with people! I love you and I'm grateful for you and your wonderful, respectful spirit!

Kamille: I'm so glad we were able to see you recently! I think the one thing about your personality is you never get sick of being around you! It felt like nothing had changed when we saw you and yet seeing you never feels like enough time. I always want to be around you and your contagious positive, fun, attitude. I'm so grateful for the time we have had together and how much you care about your family. You have the most poised and perfect attitude about you. You are so sweet and caring and know when you need to stick up for people. You know who you are and what you stand for and that has always impressed me! Thank you for always making me feel welcome and always being the light in the room! You're outlook on life has always been amazing and positive and though we just saw you, I miss you like crazy! I love you so much!

Zac: I know we've only met a few times but I was so happy to have you here recently and to get to know you a little better. The one big thing I have noticed about you is that you are seriously witty, you're funny and just mesh with Kamille so perfectly. You are also VERY respectful to your wife and everyone else. You do nice things without even being asked and even might not get recognized for it but I saw a lot of that when you were here. You are so sweet to Kamille and always looking out for her, you love your friends and those around you and are all around just awesome! Love you and I'm glad we've gotten to know each other a little more!

Dallan: Awe! I love you man! I have never had a little brother and though you are pretty close to my age, I love having you around! I love how funny you are and how happy you make everyone around you! You have always been my buddy and just treated me like family! I love that I can just hang out with you and it feels like I've known you forever! You are so respectful to woman and really everyone you meet. You are a hard working man and care so much about your family! I love that I can just text you and that you are willing to text me about your life and make me feel like a part of your life. Thank you for always being the one to make me feel comfortable in your home and making us feel welcome. Thank you for being so patient with Liam, you are so great with him and I'm glad he has you as an uncle! I love you and I'm so grateful for you being a part of my life!

I'm pretty sure I could go on and on, for those of you who aren't here, you ARE thought of! I'm grateful for SO many other people! I love you all and hope I tell you enough how much you mean to me! I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who blesses me everyday with more than I can comprehend and more than I feel like I deserve. I'm grateful for a knowledge of the church and eternal families. I'm grateful for a wonderful home and health and food. I'm grateful for the things that I might take for granted but know that they are there! Please remember tomorrow is about SO much more than turkey and good shopping deals, look around you, see how much God has given you, and be grateful for it. I love you all and wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving tomorrow!!

Baby News

You'd think this would be an easy one, you post a picture, you say we're expecting or something fun and that's that.. this is different.

  

This is our new addition, Liam likes to call it Bean Bean and we decided it kind of stuck. So, this is Bean Bean. For some close family and close friends, you already knew about this but unlike Liam and unlike Gabriel, this was hard for me to post. Don't get me wrong, I can't even tell you how excited I am for another baby!! But I felt like I couldn't just post a picture and say "yup, here we are" I had mixed feelings. I  remember  wanting to wait with Gabriel, I told myself I wanted to wait until I "knew I wouldn't miscarry" until I "knew it was safe" but I've realized that every life is precious and I'm really glad we celebrated Gabriel no mater how short a life he had and I can't imagine going through all we did with out the support we got.

So I moved past that fear and then I remembered another hard time. I remembered what it was like to loose Gabriel and only days after, having people posting pictures of their ultra sounds, their baby bumps, their newborns, all the things I would now not experience with my sweet Gabriel so that's where this is coming from. Some people may say it's "stupid" to think that way or I should just "be happy for myself" but I know what it's like to see your friends post things when you are aching so I just want my friends and family to know, if any of you are experiencing a loss whether known or unknown by me, I just want you to know I love you and I don't do this to offend you, I don't post pictures to make you sad, I'm doing this to celebrate another life in our family, I'm going to be posting pictures now and I am doing it because I love this baby and I want to celebrate it. I hope everything works for you and your family, I TRULY do but for now, I need to do this for my family and for my heart that slowly feels like it's healing now.

So with that, everyone, again, this is Bean Bean I'm 20 weeks on Saturday and yes we know what we're having and no I'm not posting it on here yet lol we have a gender reveal party on Sunday and I will post it afterwards but we are honestly just happy it is healthy and developing like it should. I kind of hate that question these days, people will ask me "How do you feel about the gender?" "Are you excited?" "Of course we are! We don't care what it is as long as its healthy!" is what I answer, and it really is true, once you experience something like our family did, you just want a baby in your arms again, you just want a baby to call yours and know that it loves you unconditionally and you love it unconditionally too!

So,  for now, this is just me, introducing another great blessing into our lives Bean Bean is what us mothers who have experienced a loss call our "rainbow baby" because it's our calm
after the storm and just a few days after finding out Bean Bean had developed everything that Gabriel couldn't and that it is healthy, we took Liam to play at a park and above us was a beautiful double rainbow from a passing storm.. I know Gabriel and God look down on our family and are blessing us! So there you have it, that's our good news and we're pretty happy about it!! Baby Bean Bean will be arriving in the end of December 2015! I think it's a great way to end a hard year and a great way to start a new one!! :)

Trials, Blessings, & Eternity

If you told me five years ago about half my trials I would experience just in this year, I would tell you that you have the wrong person, I'd tell you I'm not strong enough and there's just no way. Then if you told me about a year after that, I'd tell you I could maybe deal with those trials but only because I met a man, a man that I ended up marrying and who helps me through every trial in my life with a caring heart for me and a never ending faith. Then, as if I wasn't lucky enough to catch such a great guy, three years ago today, he chose me to have for eternity. I get this amazing man for all of this life and then forever! I remember that day like yesterday... maybe even better than that ;) I remember there was A LOT of things on that day that probably could have stressed me out, but some how they just didn't seem to mater, I remember that we had a dinner set up (since we got sealed later in the day) and on our actual wedding day I was worried about all those little details and some how, this day, I didn't care, I just wanted to get into to temple.

For any of you trying to be sealed or wondering if it really maters or is really that important, it REALLY REALLY IS! It was the most beautiful experience we've had, filled with happiness and tears and love. You know how they say it's a place of peace? sometimes even a place where you have inspiration come to you? sometimes even have spiritual experiences attached to them that you'd never want to share because they were too special to you? I'm pretty sure I had ALL of this that day! I remember touching up my make up and getting in my dress after the sealing and sitting down, and looking in the mirror at a girl who couldn't stop smiling. "I can't believe he's mine!" "I can't believe he chose me" and "I can't believe how happy and in love I am!" (These thoughts still come to me a LOT) out of all this, do you know what I didn't realize? The future! I didn't have any kids, I didn't know what I'd experience.

A week after our sealing, I found out that I was pregnant with little Liam. I remember being so terrified that Colton would be mad or that I'd stress him out by telling him. Well, I should know this great man better than that. "Okay, that's great, we'll figure this out" .. "We'll figure this out" he says this to me a lot and I really think he always believes it! He has such amazing faith in our Lord, sometimes it makes me jealous ;) I wish I was as strong as he is but then again, I guess he's the reason I keep going and trying to be better and isn't that the point? Always trying to strengthen each other as you look towards God? Well  turns out he was right, Liam has of course been a light in our lives. I feel like I was just too selfish when he got here. I was 21 at the time, still pretty newly wed, and still liked my sleep. (I still do, I just don't get as much lol) I told myself (and I hate this now) "Why did I have to get pregnant so young?" "We weren't even trying or expecting this to happen" but now, with my trials, with Gabriel, I feel like I understand so much better now.

When we lost Gabriel... I lost my world, I lost my hope, I lost my will to live some times.. don't think I'm over it.. I will NEVER be over my son, no mater how many years pass, how many other children come, I will never forget our guardian angel but like I said.. if you told me about my trials five years ago. I'd tell you you're wrong, I'd tell you it's the wrong person.. some times I still feel that way, I'm not strong enough, this happened to the wrong person, I would have LOVED him so dearly, I wouldn't leave him homeless, or abuse him, or do any of the terrible things you hear some mothers do. Why me? ugh.. isn't this our favorite question?! I think one of the most common questions I got asked is "how did you handle such a hard trial?" my best answer? I took it day by day and I didn't do it alone.

This is what I ment by not knowing how much of an actual blessing it was to have Liam when I did. I was SO naive when I was pregnant with Liam, I didn't realize how lucky I was to just get pregnant when people try for years, I didn't realize how great it was to hear his little coos and know they were ment for me. Now I know that doesn't seem like much to some, but once you loose a little one, I ACHED for those sounds, I ached for the pregnancy weight, I wanted the swollen feet, I wanted the painful contractions, I wanted the nausea, I just ached for some sign of still being pregnant but I wasn't, no baby, no crying for mommy, total silence in that hospital. Then came my light, I drove home to Liam. I drove home with my amazing husband holding my hand and crying with me, I came home to hugs from family and mostly my sweet Liam. God knows us you guys!! I'm serious! And maybe the answer wasn't just "I got by day by day" I think, I know, it was because of the ways God blessed me. He did (and still does daily) SO much for me during this time!

Remember the song "count your blessings?" ... do it... I'm serious.. I think the world wants to tell us it's harder than that. Satan wants to tell us that we don't have any, go get drunk and forget your problems that way, just die, it's easier and no one will miss you. DON'T let him win so easily, DON'T let this world influence you so quickly. Count.. your... blessings. Some how, through what I describe as one of my hardest trials in my life, God helped me do just that and all of the sudden it was easy to see the blessings. Some people would say "it's just nice that the man who took my little boy away at 2 A.M. to the funeral home we chose was dressed in a suit when he came to the hospital so late and so nice to me that it has still impacted me to pray for him some nights." Some people would say "it's just science and the weather that made the rain stop and a ray of light shine on me just for a moment.. one perfect moment... at Gabriel's funeral" Some people would say "It was just a dry winter and that's why it didn't snow until the day after my son's grave stone arrived so I wouldn't terrifyingly look for a frozen ground that held my son" and yeah, maybe it all was just coincidence that these things happened to us but not to me. Not if you don't see it that way, not if you know your father in Heaven and know his grace and know his love for you. Seriously you guys, don't EVER think your God doesn't love you, I had days where I had to pray to not have hatred for him because I knew this wasn't his "fault" it was his plan and there's a BIG difference!

So where am I trying to go with this? Just please hang in there, please fight, please know you are important to SO many people and even if you don't think you are, you're important to Christ and our Father in Heaven... really though... isn't that enough? Please don't tell me I'm a saint, don't feel like I think I know all, I'm just trying to get through this ever harsh world like every one else but I'm trying to do it with God and not shut him out. Remember, God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given! I KNOW I will see my son again and today, on the third anniversary of our sealing, more than ever! I KNOW I will have him for eternity and that alone to me, makes preparing yourself for the temple seem worth it to me. On top of that, I have Colton and Liam and any other children given to us forever... nothing in this world is better than forever.

Please, like I said, don't give up, don't feel alone, and don't stop praying, when you feel like you can't or shouldn't or don't want to pray, that is indeed when you need it the most! My heart goes out to all of you facing trials in your life... I'm so truly sorry for whatever you may be facing but always remember. YOU ARE NOT ALONE... you never are!