Dear Gabriel

Hey Everyone,

So today has been a rough one.. you know the one, the day where you can't stop crying or you can't stop hurting? Any way, I don't know what it is about Easter but I always seem to miss Gabriel more, and now that I'm pregnant with Audrie and she is almost where I was when I lost Gabriel, I find myself thinking about him even more. So I guess this is less of a "hey world, here I am" post and more of a "sending my thoughts to Heaven and Gabriel" post so here goes that...

Dear Gabriel..

I thought of you today, I think of you every day. The moments we could of had with you, how old you would be, did I do the right thing in having you when I did. Most days I get by, I can fight... Today, I lost... I thought about a few things but with Easter I also thought about the Savior and this is what I decided.

No one in the WORLD understands that the pictures I take at the grave mean everything to me because they are the only ones I can take with you... I don't get Birthdays.. I don't get "firsts" I get a grave and a fake smile holding back tears... no one in the WORLD understands... but my Savior does.

No one in the WORLD knows why certain days I wear a little necklace with a little ring on it... no one knows that it is actually the only thing I kept that you wore.. You wore it on your arm because you were so small.. no one knows I wear it on days where I need you close to my heart, closer than usual... no one in the WORLD understands... but my Savior does.

No one in the WORLD knows that the little ring... your little bracelet made me cry twice in my life harder than most things.. once 2 weeks after burying you because I thought I lost the ring and I panicked... I cried... I screamed and when I found it... I cried again... and again when the beautiful gold ring turned silver because it ment that time was passing... and that wasn't "fair" ..time was passing with or without me... and again ... I cried... no one in the WORLD cried with me... but my Savior did.

No one in the WORLD knows that while I love the blessing of being able to get pregnant... I hate pregnancy now because of losing you... no one knows that I dread feeling Audrie move because then I never stop noticing if she is moving or not... no one knows I wake up grabbing my stomach every two hours in tears scared that I can't feel the baby, scared that I'll lose another one and die inside... no one in the WORLD cried with me those nights... but my Savior did

No one in the WORLD knows that some days when I seem my "happiest" I've just been at your grave that day.... laying on the grass crying and praying for relief... no one knows that I hate that I can't hold you or that I lay there feeling guilty that for a split moment, I let myself forget about you... I let myself move on.... no one knows that EVERY day, not some, EVERY SINGLE DAY I feel guilt... "I can't be tired, moms that lost their babies would LOVE to be tired, I can't be selfish" ... "I can't yell at my kids, I lost one who I long just to TALK to, I can't be selfish" ...No one in the WORLD knows whats in my mind... but my Savior does

Gabriel ... I love you, I miss you, I know Easter is hard for me, but then I think about the fact that on the days where I feel like no one is there, you still are, and more importantly my Savior and Father in Heaven are still there. They love me and better yet, they KNOW me, they have CRIED with me, and they never leave me comfortless. I guess it's just hard on those days to remember that I'm not alone but when I think about the fact that Christ was alone... that he suffered alone... and he did it for you and me and everyone around me... wow... what an amazing Savior we are blessed with. How amazing to think that someone loves us enough to do such a hard thing for us... I love my Savior... I love praying.. I love knowing I have someone to talk to when I feel like there is no one. So to everyone else, those thinking no one in the WORLD knows EXACTLY how you feel RIGHT this second... you may be right, I won't correct you there.. but don't forget... NEVER forget... your Savior does and he loves you, and he's there for you... go to him often and he will be there no matter what! I love you all, I hope everyone had a beautiful Easter and always remembers the beautiful Savior in our lives.