I feel like every time I come on here to start one of these posts my head and my heart and my hands are all fighting each other to get all the words in and to get them right. For a while I've had a thought in my mind and I keep thinking "I need to write, I need to write!" Then life happens and I forget but now while Theo sleeps and Liam plays, I want to talk about this thought, this subject... Moments.
This month has been hard for a lot more than just one reason but I feel like a lot of it is just life. We have trials, than pure happiness you didn't know you could have, then sadness you never thought you could feel, then boredom strikes, the days where you have so much to do and NO energy to do it, and then there is this day, maybe even just this hour or minute where you look around and think "wow, God loves me SO much to bless me with all of this" these, all of these, have been my month and maybe it's because tomorrow June is over and maybe it's just because I had time to think but like I said, lots has happened and lots has been on my mind.
Now before you continue, I need you to know that I don't mean to offend, I don't mean to call out people, but I like to be real when I write, I think that inspiration comes from reading how real and beautiful my brother's blog always is.. Let's start there because for me, that's my biggest part of my life, family.
So people on my mind? Everyone! My mom because she works three days a week now and I'm pathetic but I miss her those days. I love my mom! She is really my best friend and the one I can always count on to make my day better even if all we do is go on a drive to do errands.
I've also had my siblings on my mind, my brother has grown so incredibly strong. He's had trials and he's had strengths but all in all he is amazing whether he knows it or not! He shows me what it means to push through and always have faith and I'm so proud of how far he has come in just the last few years. I love him so much! Then there's my sister who has three kids, pregnant with her fourth, in quite a bit of pain, and she doesn't sit around and complain about it or post about it on facebook, she's strong and she's a great mom!
Then comes someone who I haven't talked much about on my blog but there's my amazing cousin. She just went through having an angel baby like me, a beautiful little boy, who lived an hour and a half... today was his funeral.. I feel bad as I sit at home not strong enough to handle a funeral... to remember that sadness and comfort and anger all rolled into one. I hurt so much for her right now and I'm amazed at how strong she has been through this.
Then of course my rock, my love, my piece of perfection in my life, my husband. I am not only amazed but so proud of the man he has become. I always knew he was special when I first met him but he has shown me what it means to work hard, love your spouse unconditionally, and be a great husband and dad. I worry his life, his job, his dad, all of it will take a toll on him but it never does and when it does he never lets it weaken him or his faith. I worry I'm not good enough for this amazing and devastatingly handsome man, I don't deserve someone so incredible, but he's always there and always shows his love for me.
Then there's my friends, I may not tell them, but I think about them A LOT. I miss Kara SO badly! We may not hang out everyday but she has been gone for almost 2 months and I feel that missing place in my life, I know when she is around my happiness is amplified by about 50! She is such a wonderful friend and though I miss her, I'm SO happy her and her husband are having such fun adventures together.
Then there's KaLin, I'm pretty sure she's probably sick of me asking about her love life all the time but I want her to have what I have, someone to take care of her, a best friend that is always around! I ask about her job, her family, honestly I feel pushy some times but I love her and want to know about her life because we went from hanging out everyday to about 2 times a month and it's hard but I know it's how it goes being an adult. I love my friends and I feel so blessed to know them!
Anyway, I've got great people in my life and in case you couldn't tell, I love them and they are always on my mind. I always want to be there for people and I hate the days when you don't know how to help your family, your friends, your husband, your children, and you wonder if your failing your "calling in life" I want to be there for everyone and do everything for everyone. Well needless to say it gets over whelming, I look at their trials, I look at mine, I look at the world and all the death, the hate, the need to be popular, beautiful, the best. Some days life just makes my head want to explode, then comes the one thing I've been TRYING to get to, moments they aren't all good, but the good ones are my favorite!
Yesterday I did dishes, I did some laundry, and other than that... I was pretty lazy so when my boys both napped at the same time, I did too... till about 5:30 when Colton woke us and I realized there was no dinner made, the house was still a mess with toys and I just had one of those moments... a bad one.. I felt like I am not doing my part, not being the wife the world says I should be, you know, the perfect one who looks beautiful, her house is beautiful, her kids look great, her dinner is ready, blah blah blah then comes a moment of greatness, it's called my husband! We decided on a last minute family dinner date and not just to Taco Bell and back, a nice, get out of the house, eat dinner at 8 PM, kind of night lol we went to Zuppas and as I looked at Theo cuddling me and Colton and Liam laughing and talking I had the type of moment I love most, pure bliss.
This is the thing about moments, they make you stop and think and I realized in that moment, I was blessed. Trials will come and the world will tell you that you can't do it, you aren't strong enough to handle what's in front of you, but my Father in Heaven tells me I can and that he will help me through. I've missed my sweet Gabriel terribly this month with it being his "due date month" but the one thing I found helping me is the many quotes, talks, and scriptures I used at his passing to get me through. Something I hated hearing is "God only gives us what we can handle, you can get through this" I know when people said this, it was out of love but I HATED that. "Does that mean I can handle this again? What if my husband dies? What if I can't handle this? Did I fail God's trial?" Then I found a quote that said "God doesn't give us what we can handle, he helps us handle what we are given" Isn't that great?! I love this! There are times trials will have us feeling like the world is winning, there is too much evil to go on, there is too much hate to be better than it all, but God knows what he's doing, he knows what trials we have and when we are hurting, he will be there for us ALWAYS, all we need to do is notice when he is. Notice the good in this evil and falling world, notice the love that surrounds you and that it is stronger than the hate happening around us.
Hard moments, hard trials, they will sadly always be here and that pretty much sucks! But PLEASE push through, PLEASE think of your good moments! A hug from your child, an "I love you" from your spouse or a family member, a text saying "just thinking about you" when you felt hopeless, a ray of light in a storm that you know God made for you. There is good in this world, we just need to search for it, pray for it, and live as long as we can in our good moments. Search for your good moments and enjoy them and maybe, just maybe they will be the moment that saves you and gets you through the bad ones.
Mom, I love you, I'm proud of you working so hard and I'm so happy you're in my life! Dad you are a great man and such an important person in my life now and forever! Brent remember your loved, like seriously all the time you are loved!! I'm so proud of how far you have come to be a better you, keep going, keep pushing forward. Kira you are so strong, you have come this far, you have great kids, you always try your hardest and I know your little one will be such a blessing to our whole family. Mandy, I'm so so sorry.... I'm so sorry... NO one should go through the Hell of losing a child but you had to... and it hurts... PLEASE push on, get out of bed, pray even when you don't want to pray, keep your sweet boy's memory alive forever and work twoards eternity to hold him again. Colton I know that your life has been anything but easy, thank you for not giving up, thank you for being the best man you can be and more than anything, thank you for being mine. I love you so much and I'm so lucky to have such a gentleman in my life who I love so unconditionally. Thank you for loving me with my crazy, my OCD, my insecurities, my everything, you never give up on me or our kids and I love you eternally.
Kara thank you for your strength, your faith in everything, your happiness, and mostly your friendship! I'm so lucky to have such an amazing woman in my life as you! Have fun, be safe, and come home soon!! KaLin I love the heck out of you! I hope you realize how incredibly beautiful and fun you are! You are shy, yes, but wait for the man who is willing to bring out the real you, the happy, positive, fun, girl who would do anything for her family and friends, wait for the man who will take you to the temple and who makes you look forward to an eternity with him. Wait.. because you are SO worth it!!
I love you all! I wish I could write to everyone who means the world to me but I can't... mostly cuz my fingers hurt and you'd all get bored with me! But please remember your loved! Please remember to search for your happy moments and to fight the world in your unhappy ones! Live in your moments!
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